Sunday Soothsayer 12/27/15

A look back at last week’s prognostications and your look at what’s to come. First lets see how I did last week.

blewitEagles over the Cardinals by 7. What can I say? I’m an optimist. – Yeah, I got that one wrong. And then last night Washington ended the Eagles season. So much unfulfilled promise.

Sometime this week, in the midst of the stress, last minute activities, joy of spending time with family, sadness over loved ones no longer with us, and the happiness of being with those we love, God will remind us that he gave us the best gift possible. “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” John 3:16 – I pray that you found this gift and that you will treasure it all year long.

Since this is the last Sunday of 2015, this week I am letting you know what’s in store for the year to come.

  • In sports – Chip Kelly will keep his job, mostly because Jeff Lurie didn’t realize that when he gave Kelly the power over all personnel decisions that included the head coaching position. As for the Phillies (much as I hate to say it), they will be eliminated from the post season some time in June.
  • There will be a push for the political parties to learn a lesson from the sports world – namely setting a date for trimming your roster for the presidential nomination.
  • Young democrat voters will pull the lever for Bernie Sanders saying, “The mashed potatoes and gravy are my favorite part of his meal deal.”
  • Bruce Caitlyn Jenner will once again decide that this really isn’t who he she it is. Fifi Jenner will win the Westminster Dog Show.
  • A few quick hits from the world of entertainment: Some celebrity will name their baby something stupid. Some film that no one paid to see will win an award. Nude pictures of a former Disney star will surface. Unfortunately they will be of Buddy Hackett. A celebrity, probably more than one, will use an award show to speak out against gun owners while being surrounded by armed body guards.
  • By the end of December you will be tired of hearing about El Nino. Oh wait, that should have been December 2015.
  • Several famous people will die. People will remark how spooky it is that they die in threes. I will be forced to point out that, no, they die in ones and we stupidly count to three and then start over. Also, someone famous will die and people’s first thought will be, “They were still alive?”
  • Science will point out with absolute certainty that something we once thought good for us is in fact bad for us. They will also point out that something they had previously declared bad for us is actually good for us. These are the same people that will tell us that mankind is going to destroy itself with global warming, or cooling, or climate change. They may warn us that we are in danger of global stasis – “A state of stability, in which all forces are equal and opposing, therefore they cancel out each other.” This will confuse and panic people, and really, isn’t that the goal?
  • You will be shopping in Wal-Mart and will see another patron whose appearance will make you wish for a DeLorean, a flux capacitor, and blindness.
  • Apple will introduce a product that everyone must have. No one will be able to adequately explain why.
  • Bacon will be outlawed as offensive to Muslims. This will be the straw that finally awakes a sleeping populace.
  • College students will continue to push for a free, no-stress, no requirement education. Their diplomas will be printed on Quilted Northern.
  • All new music will be free. It will be worth every penny.
  • Someone’s grandmother living in the North East will be honored for having the last phone still attached to a wall. When interviewed it will be discovered that she is also the last living person who still knows anyone’s phone number.
  • A kindergarten student will be arrested and suspended for saying that girls have cooties. He will be exonerated when it’s shown that they really do.
  • Uber will expand to movies. Actually you’ll just be going to some strangers house to watch Netflix and eat microwave popcorn.
  • The 2016 election will conversely have the fewest number of voters and the largest number of whiners about the results.
  • I will post three times a day. Hahahaha. Wow, I almost wrote that with a straight face.
  • I will reach 600 hits. It will be a glorious December.
  • My adoring readers will help me buy a new computer.
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Now you know what 2016 has in store. Add your thoughts and predictions in the comments.