Sunday Soothsayer

As we go into a new week it would be helpful to know what the future brings. Luckily for you I’m here with my bold vision of the week ahead.

  • If you want to make a pile of money invest in Colt, Smith & Wesson, Heckler Koch, Glock, or any other gun maker. Here’s a rule of thumb to go by – anytime President clueless or his minions make any statement regarding guns buy more stock. It goes without saying that you should also buy their products. Quickly.
  • While leaders from around the world continue to discuss the horrific end we are all about to experience due to global climate change, I see that in your immediate future you will see glaring truth right where you live! I’ve even coined a word that you can use to describe this cataclysmic event – weather.
  • Donald Trump will say something that conventional wisdom will see as the issue that will bring about his inevitable downfall. It won’t.
  • When the President addresses the nation on TV tonight he will go through more convolutions than Olga Korbut and Mary Lou Retton combined to say that terrorism is anything but terrorism. Bonus prediction: He will say that Islam is the religion of peace – Drink!
  • In a related prognostication, Josh Earnst’s head will explode as he tries once again to explain how an attack by Islamic terrorist is neither Islamic nor terrorism. If his head doesn’t literally explode (I picture something like the Jet.com TV commercials) at the very least his tongue will wrap itself into a knot that will take a team of surgeons to untie.
  • The Eagles will lose to the Patriots this afternoon. Unless Gisele Bündchen takes over for her husband and Eagle’s offense learns that “three and out” is not a rule. On the off chance that I’m wrong about this (and I’m not) Chip Kelly will be declared King of Philadelphia.

Now you know what the week ahead will bring. You’re welcome.